Silent Battles

I am Bi-Polar. I get it from my dads side of the family. I am telling you these thing not because I want pity but because I want you to understand. You might have someone in your life that has this silent battle and I want you to know that all they need is empathy. Do not feel bad for them. Do not feel helpless. Do not judge them because the house is a disaster. Do things that they are to headstrong to ask for help. It is the little things that make the biggest difference.

Lately my medications have started not do their job and it hurts. It hurts A LOT. Each days is s struggle to leave the house and sit at work and feel like my presence there is making a difference. Each day I struggle to come home where my children are who depend on me to help them with their homework or listen to their stories from that day. Today was a low. Today I had an emergency appointment with my therapist to adjust the medications. I know understand why a person that is so low emotionally could cut themselves. Depression is pain that you can not control. Cutting or anorexia or bulimia is something you can control. You can control that pain. I do not want to die, but I do not want to live a life with so much pain. I do not want to live a life where my family is afraid how to act around me because of how I might react. I want to live a life where my family knows that I love them and always will. I want to live a life where I have a desire to do things with my kids and not worry about who is going to clean up the mess after. I will live a life with the things I desire but it will be battle to get there and I ask for patience. Patience from myself to be able to learn that the pain is only temporary that I have a reason to go on, Hell I have 5 reason and they are my constant. They are always there and I have to live for them. I can not quit my silent battle.

My consnstant

End of another day

As you read this just want to let you know I have already taken my ambien and this may sound like total rubish...

I Spent the day at home with the little today. The  morning started off so fantastic just laying in bed having some wonderful snuggle time. Then the horrible thought came into my head and it went something like this,  "Junk, I really should be productive today" And the frustration started. Is it just my kids or do all kids think that as soon as mom starts gathering blankets and sheets for laundry that it is time to build a fort? Forts are the coolest thing EVER, but really this was just how a "productive" day is spent. Eventually I just said screw this and we went and had lunch with daddy and then dropped by Grandmas for a little while so we could have fun and I did not have to stressed by the mounds of laundry not being done. I guess my day was productive after all, just not in the way I had set my mind at this morning.

Homework

CJ hates to read. Drives me BONKERS!!! I would love to sit down and read with him but he has discovered that it takes more time with me if he stumbles over the words and he eventually gets out of it. BUT if I ask him to read a book to Little Miss he can blow through the same book twice in the 20 minutes that is required for school. But as much as his lack of desire to read at least he will do homework at least he does it. I don't know even where to start encouraging Mo-Mo to do homework or even turn in the in class assignments. We've taken away the cell phone, facebook, TV. You name it we've done it. Why does everything have to be so hard with teenagers?

Abandoned

It was almost a year ago that the originals were finally told where there their mother had taken off to. That was only because she had ended up in a psych ward in Las Vegas. This past weekend was their mothers birthday so they went over to stay with Grandma & Grandpa (her parents) to celebrate her birthday with them. As usual they called her and she did not answer. Then it came out that Grandma has not heard from a few weeks. That also explains why Braydo didn't get a phone call on his birthday. Mo-Mo and Braydo are hurting but the real one that is having the hardest time with all of this is CJ. He was 5 when she took off and up until the day she took off he was spoiled rotten by her then reality hit. Life sucks and candy doesn't make it all better. I wish him and I could be friends, nad she would stop telling him to not listen to me because she will be coming home soon. You would think that after a year and a half it would sink in that maybe she isn't coming home, but he just wants to be loved by his mother so badly. 

Reading

AS part of assigned homework Mr. C has this thing called Book in a Bag. Well he used to hide them from me until a couple of weeks ago when we had parent teacher conference. Then he got screwed! Now he hides in his room when he gets home and when he pops his head out I tell him to get his books and start reading. Back into hiding he goes. These are the times when being a step parent sucks because I can't use the line "You better do it now or I can take you out of this world because I brought you into it" I also get the eye roll from him followed by the "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my boss" he once said "You're not my mom" To which I replied "You're right I am not your mom and you know why? I am still here! I care enough to be around for your birthday and help you with school! I am here for you everyday and love you enough to not run away and not tell you where I am. I am not leaving!"

It is hard because Bio mom still calls them and tells them that we are evil and she is the only one that loves them. At least Miss M and Mr B are old enough to realize that their bio mom is not right in the head but Mr C is only 6 and her baby. Mr C was always spoiled by her and has a really hard time separating her reality from real reality. Poor kid just wants to be loved and unfortunately until he is old enough understand that she is just not capable of loving him beyond it making her look good he is not going to accept me as a parental figure.

Just Life

I was asked the other day if I had any advise to give from a person that is finding herself in a similar situation in possibly becoming a step mother. I never thought that I would be the type of person others would come to for advise. My one thing that I offered her was that it is always harder than you think it is. Very very very worth it, but definitely NOT EASY!!!

So with that said I am going to restart this blog. I am hoping that by sharing my daily joys, challenges, triumphs and devastation's I will be able to "meet" other step parents or soon to be step parents and we can share these crazy wonderful stories over a virtual cup of coffee or tea or coke or you get the point..

Temple Marriage

So Mr. J and I are not sealed in the temple like most Mormon families. We will get there some day but right now is just not going to happen. One of the big complaints that Mr. J has is that people go to the Temple, a place were HF and Jesus visit, to be sealed and were sexually active with each other before marriage (a no no in Mormon standards) or find themselves in Vegas on their honeymoon where they drink alcohol (another no no). Now to each their own, BUT don't go acting like you are better than me because "you were sealed from the start". At least I can say I have been honest in my dealings with HF.

Now this has been on my mind a lot lately because some women in my life who have been sealed in the temple to their now eternal spouse are miserable in their marriage.

Example marriage 1: husband will not watch child if wife is working BUT she has to work because he will not get health insurance for the family through his place of employment. They have 1 child that has more health problems than I can think of. Mom is the person that calls in sick to work on a weekly basis because dad is "too busy" to take his child. Come to find out dad is just out playing on his 4 wheeler. Also it is common knowledge that this husband in the marriage often visits establishments where clothing is optional for the employees and wife likes to get her drink on with her girlfriends. YET this person is always talking about how wonderful her family is and all proud that they get to be "Together forever"

Example marriage 2: This couple has been married for 10 years. They have 2 children. They "messed around, and probably should not have been married in the temple". (direct quote from the wife) She is the bread winner of the family. There would literally be no food on the table, roof over there head or clothes on their back if it was not for her job. He controls all of the money. In the past year it has come out that he has been emotionally unfaithful, meaning he didn't have "sex" with the other woman but things were said pictures were sent and he was caught. Since then he has done nothing to prove his sorrow for what he did. He continues to tell his wife "if you would put out then I would not have looked somewhere else". He refuses to find a job that brings in a little more financial comfort for his wife and children and on many occasions I have had to leave his presence because his topic of conversation has been down right wrong on more levels than one. I have heard him talk down to his wife in front of their children. Then when he confronted me about being friends and I told him I really don't want to be your friend he told be to F off. But once again They have an "Eternal Marriage" so even after all is said and done they will be together forever.

Example marriage 3: This couple was sealed after a year of civil marriage. He uses the fact that he is the priesthood holder in the family to get her to agree to the things he wants. He has a "pornography problem" that she has been denying for quite some time now and has now stated to effect the ability to pay bills. Their life is one financial crisis after another and they are always her fault.

Now I know these are just 3 separate marriages but all 3 wives stay in the marriage after years of this not because they love their husband but because they are sealed to him. It is my understanding that in a marriage you should be partners. One is not better than the other. Both should be emotionally invested in making the marriage stronger. Also in a temple marriage if one of the people that have made this covenant has chosen to not keep said covenant doesn't that make the whole thing kinda null and void. So when a man or woman has chosen to seek sexual gratification from someone other than the person they are married to, and feels that they have done nothing wrong, and does not seek out the repentance process in accordance to that of their religion (in this case LDS) does that not mean that those covenants made in the temple at time of sealing are now void? If so then why after years of putting up with the lies and deception do these woman still feel the need to fall back and say "I made a covenant"?

Thoughts are welcome...