Silent Battles

I am Bi-Polar. I get it from my dads side of the family. I am telling you these thing not because I want pity but because I want you to understand. You might have someone in your life that has this silent battle and I want you to know that all they need is empathy. Do not feel bad for them. Do not feel helpless. Do not judge them because the house is a disaster. Do things that they are to headstrong to ask for help. It is the little things that make the biggest difference.

Lately my medications have started not do their job and it hurts. It hurts A LOT. Each days is s struggle to leave the house and sit at work and feel like my presence there is making a difference. Each day I struggle to come home where my children are who depend on me to help them with their homework or listen to their stories from that day. Today was a low. Today I had an emergency appointment with my therapist to adjust the medications. I know understand why a person that is so low emotionally could cut themselves. Depression is pain that you can not control. Cutting or anorexia or bulimia is something you can control. You can control that pain. I do not want to die, but I do not want to live a life with so much pain. I do not want to live a life where my family is afraid how to act around me because of how I might react. I want to live a life where my family knows that I love them and always will. I want to live a life where I have a desire to do things with my kids and not worry about who is going to clean up the mess after. I will live a life with the things I desire but it will be battle to get there and I ask for patience. Patience from myself to be able to learn that the pain is only temporary that I have a reason to go on, Hell I have 5 reason and they are my constant. They are always there and I have to live for them. I can not quit my silent battle.

My consnstant

End of another day

As you read this just want to let you know I have already taken my ambien and this may sound like total rubish...

I Spent the day at home with the little today. The  morning started off so fantastic just laying in bed having some wonderful snuggle time. Then the horrible thought came into my head and it went something like this,  "Junk, I really should be productive today" And the frustration started. Is it just my kids or do all kids think that as soon as mom starts gathering blankets and sheets for laundry that it is time to build a fort? Forts are the coolest thing EVER, but really this was just how a "productive" day is spent. Eventually I just said screw this and we went and had lunch with daddy and then dropped by Grandmas for a little while so we could have fun and I did not have to stressed by the mounds of laundry not being done. I guess my day was productive after all, just not in the way I had set my mind at this morning.

Homework

CJ hates to read. Drives me BONKERS!!! I would love to sit down and read with him but he has discovered that it takes more time with me if he stumbles over the words and he eventually gets out of it. BUT if I ask him to read a book to Little Miss he can blow through the same book twice in the 20 minutes that is required for school. But as much as his lack of desire to read at least he will do homework at least he does it. I don't know even where to start encouraging Mo-Mo to do homework or even turn in the in class assignments. We've taken away the cell phone, facebook, TV. You name it we've done it. Why does everything have to be so hard with teenagers?

Abandoned

It was almost a year ago that the originals were finally told where there their mother had taken off to. That was only because she had ended up in a psych ward in Las Vegas. This past weekend was their mothers birthday so they went over to stay with Grandma & Grandpa (her parents) to celebrate her birthday with them. As usual they called her and she did not answer. Then it came out that Grandma has not heard from a few weeks. That also explains why Braydo didn't get a phone call on his birthday. Mo-Mo and Braydo are hurting but the real one that is having the hardest time with all of this is CJ. He was 5 when she took off and up until the day she took off he was spoiled rotten by her then reality hit. Life sucks and candy doesn't make it all better. I wish him and I could be friends, nad she would stop telling him to not listen to me because she will be coming home soon. You would think that after a year and a half it would sink in that maybe she isn't coming home, but he just wants to be loved by his mother so badly.